no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
