After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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