There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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