Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
