Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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