I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
