I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
