How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
