dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
