I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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