also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
