I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
