It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
