dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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