i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
