I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
