I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
