She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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