If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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