i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
