I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
