Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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