im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
