im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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