literally had 100 drinks last night.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
