I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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