I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize