It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You made out with two different species that night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
