I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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