I need to stop coming to work sober
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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