Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
