for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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