she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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