I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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