he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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