they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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