It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
