standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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