Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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