I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
