you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
