The maid of honor just puked.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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