69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
