bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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