you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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