I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
