Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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