she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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