my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I want a musical about memes.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
