Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
