Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
