Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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