totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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