dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
