apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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